Have you ever had that moment when you look at yourself and your actions with pride, knowing that you’ve matured, evolved, and become the older, wiser version of yourself that you’re meant to be? The moment when you realize how far you’ve come and find yourself suddenly running gracefully through the greener pastures of sanity in adulthood?
This wasn’t one of those moments.
I posted an m4m personal ad on Craigslist.
Over and over and over…Not in pursuit of a hot date or anything like that (I know better in my old age), but to vent. I wanted to vent. The thing about making comedy videos and stand up routines and blog posts and podcasts about your bad dating experiences and writing books based around your breakups is that you have to relive them.
And then at the end of the day, when you realize that you’re once again single after essentially repeating history from only a year ago, without much growth (personal or otherwise) to show for it, you get bitter.
So you vent.
My Funny Craigslist Personal Ad
Because I know we’re all curious.
Looking for Yet Another Fuckboy
It’s been so long since I had an actual legit, authentic, healthy connection with a decent, honest, straight forward dude that I don’t know how the fuck I would even react to such a thing.
So instead I’m looking for a guy who will tell me I’m perfect and then knock me off the pedestal a week later. Maybe a nice guy who says he’s looking for a relationship but only actually texts me after midnight when he’s horny and won’t ever take me out in public.
Oh, or maybe one of those pseudo intellectual neckbeard types who will patronize me every time I have an opinion and tell me how fortunate I am to have him around to think for me.
Maybe a dude who thinks having a big dick is an excuse to run around acting like one. Even better if it’s actually kind of below average and he has fuck all idea of how to use it. Even better than THAT if he gets off in 30 seconds flat, rolls over, and never touches me. Points deducted for spooning after.
You definitely shouldn’t have a job – at least not a full-time one. But still pretend to be really busy all the time. Probably don’t have a car either. At least not one that works. You don’t have to live with your parents, but if you do, make sure you try to encourage me to sneak in after they go to sleep. Because I like pretending that I’m a teenager. For funsies.
Also expecting some light ghosting, hearing the Grindr chime from your phone during the middle of our date (sorry, I mean “chill”) (yes, I’m expecting you to check your messages and mumble something about your mom being in the hospital), and casually dropping at least three of the following words when describing yourself: masc, bro, chill, “no drama,” real, str8, DL, and a mention of some kind of preference (the more racist the better, but I’ll also take internalized homophobia or misogyny. I can’t be too picky). If you’re not racist (eg you’re brown), at least have the decency to fetishize me for being a skinny tall white boy. Because objectification is sexy af.
Get at me, fuckboys.
I know I’m charming.
Oh, and I got a response
Granted, one of the responses was a dick pic. But we’re going to count this as an unexpected surprise: one guy was surprisingly decent, thoughtful, funny, witty, and smart. And after exchanging a few emails over the last few days, he officially asked me out.
Like on an actual date.
So I’ll be reporting back. If nothing else, he’s at least funny and smart enough to provide some great material. It seems really promising. He even got us a room at this romantic little cabin up north a little ways.